Epic
by Sideshow27
Summary: Fourteen years after their ridiculous feud. Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis and Faith no More frontman Mike Patton are forced to team up and go on a quest to find some golden baseball lodged in an Asian hotel room somehwere in Asia before some whackjob degenerate does.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Beginning

So everybody knows the Red Hot Chili Peppers, right? I mean their music kicks ass! They have been one of my favorite bands since I was eleven. I admire their fusion for punk rock, rap rock and funk metal. However there's this other band that also had brought my attention. That band is Faith no More. Faith no More is also a band that became famous in the early ninties for their hit single, "Epic." they also were known for their fusion of funk metal, rap, jazz, and experitmental rock. Both bands are considered pioneers for funk rock during the ninties decade, but before that decade came to an end, there was a huge tension between both the frontmans of each band.

When Faith no More broke up in 1998, frontman Mike Patton rejoined his band from high school known as Mr. Bungle. They were scheduled to perform in many European tours with the Chili Peppers. However, that was not to be. It turns out that the Chili Peppers frontman, Anthony Kiedis has had a problem with Mike Patton since "Epic" became a worldwide hit. Anthony claimed to have saw the music video for "Epic" and accused Patton of stealing his dance moves. Anthony demanded that Mr. Bungle be removed from their tours, which kind of confused the band on why this was happening. They were told that the other Chili Peppers didn't mind touring with them, but Kiedis was against it. Mr. Bungle's album "California," even had to be pushed back from it's earlier release so it wouldn't coincide with the sucessful Chili Peppers album, "Californication." months later, during a Halloween celebration, Mr. Bungle decided to get payback from the Chili Peppers by dressing up as each band member and mocking their stage antic while performing their songs in a crude and unacceptable manner. Kiedis, who was originally going to let Mr. Bungle perform with them in the Austrailian tour, heard about this and became pissed, causing him to remove Mr. Bungle from the tour.

Mike Patton decided to pay Kiedis a little visit later in his home in Los Angeles, and busted down his door. Anthony, who was currently cuddling with his then wife who I don't know the name of, sprang up and saw the ludicrous grin on Mike Patton's face.

"What the fuck do you want, Patton?!" Kiedis growled as he held up his fists.

Patton only kept his grin and laughed. Kiedis became seriously annoyed at how Patton was acting. Kiedis didn't want to have to do this, but he thought he should as he took out a pistol from his back pocket and held it up in Patton's face.

"Get the fuck outta here and never come back, wierdo." Kiedis warned in a threatning manner. To Patton, Kiedis wasn't really tough physically. The guy was a vegan for christ's sake! Even with a gun, Kiedis wasn't so threatening.

"Seriously, Anthony?" asked Patton in a funny tone. "You're holding a gun up to my face. Real mature, buddy." Patton began walking closer toward Kiedis, scaring him a little bit and making him back away a little.

Kiedis didn't know whether to shoot or let Patton try to do what he wanted to do. It wasn't like he was gonna rape him. Anthony knew that Patton wasn't gay, the keyboardist, Roddy Bottum was the one that was gay. However, before Anthony made up his mind on what to do about Patton, Patton in a swift motion, knocked the gun out of Kiedis' hand, startling him for a bit. Patton followed up with a punch to the jaw, knocking Kiedis on one knee. Kiedis quickly recovered and threw himself at Patton, tackling him to the ground. Kiedis began wailing on the frontman of Faith no More and Mr. Bungle, getting good shots on his nose and left eye. He even got some good shots on the back of Patton's head too as Patton tried to craw away.

"WHAT IS IT, PATTON!" Kiedis growled, making a mocking reference to the song, "Epic." Patton managed to grab a vase from the table and in a quick second, smashed it over Kiedis' head. The glass falling from Kiedis' head as Kiedis fell to the ground, seemingly unconscious. Mike formed a grin on his face as he went over to Kiedis' wife who had been crouching in the corner this whole time and began walking towards her.

"You look like an awesome hot thang tonight." Patton said in a smooth calming voice. The woman began backing away a little was Patton was getting close to her. Eventually, Patton suddenly pinned her down as he looked her over.

"How's about you make it with a real man, girly?" Patton asked as he began to stroke her cheek. The woman began whimpering, hoping that Kiedis would save her. Patton suddenly began moving his hand down onto her left breast, which let out a scream of fear.

Meanwhile, Kiedis, who had been smashed over the head with a vase by Mike Patton, began coming to, and could hear his wife's screams for help. Kiedis slowly made it to his knees as he slowly crawled to his pistol, with hopes to finally put an end to Mike Patton's life.

Mike stopped fondling the woman's breasts for a quick second as he slowly undid her shirt, revealing her chest. Before Patton could do anything, there was a gunshot fired.

"OWWWW!" Patton cried as he rolled off of Anthony's wife and onto the floor, groaning in pain at the bullet wound in his right upper back. The woman looked up to see Kiedis with the gun pointing to where Mike Patton was.

"Oh, baby!" Kiedis' wife cried as she ran over to him and hugged him tight, sobbing all the while. Kiedis put a hand on the back of her head and began stroking it lightly.

"It's alright, sweet heart." he cooed. "I'm alright." Kiedis kissed the top of his wife's forehead. Kiedis then looked over at Patton, who was still groaning from the pain that the gunshot put him in.

"What the fuck, Kiedis!" Patton growled. "Why did you do that?!"

Kiedis growled as he walked over to the wounded frontman and kicked in in the gut.

"Stop whining, you fucking baby." he muttered. Then two cops came in, holding their guns at anybody.

"Alright, what's going on here?!" one of them shouted in a serious tone. "We heard gunshots and a woman screaming!"

Anthony formed a half grin and walked over to the officers. "Allow me to explain, officers." he said.

Forty minutes later, there was an ambluence truck outside Kiedis' house as Patton was sitting in it, getting treated for his wound. He would be serving a one year sentence in jail after that.

Keidis and his wife were sitting in another ambluence, with blankets wrapped around them, watching the cops inspecting their house. Kiedis really wondered if he really drove Patton to do this to him. He wondered if he drove Patton to breaking into his house to try and kill him just to prove a point. Before he could think any further, he heard a familiar voice call to him.

"Hey, Anthony! You okay?!" Anthony looked up to hear the voice of his best friend and band member, bassist Michael "Flea" Balzary running to him. To his right was guitarist John Frusciante, and to his right was drummer Chad Smith. When they stopped in front of Kiedis, Kiedis explained everything.

"I didn't know why that bastard thought about breaking into my house to begin with." he explained. "The last thing I want is to be on the news right now." he pointed to the camera men from a news broadcast program as a news reporter was explaining everything that had happened.

Flea sat down next to his best friend and placed a hand on his right shoulder. "Well what matters is that you survived and that's all we care about." he said.

"Yeah." Frusciante agreed. "I mean where would the Chili Peppers head to if we lost you? You guys were even lucky to find a guitarist that could play just like Hillel did." of course, Frusciante was referrring to himself as the man that played just like the original deceased guitarist of the Chili Peppers.

"Plus I don't think that there are poets like you out there, Anthony." said Chad. "Espeically since Jim Morrison is dead."

Anthony smiled at his three bandmates. They were the best friends he ever had since forming the Chili Peppers. Hillel Slovak and Jack Irons were the original members before John and Chad, but with John and Chad, the band experienced something they never had with other members besides big hits like "Under the Bridge" and "Give it Away." They expeirenced a strong bond with each other. John, who had first joined the band in 1988 at the age of 18, left the band four years later, growing uncomfortable with the attention their breakthrough album "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" was recieveing. During his six year absence from the band, he developed a heroin addiction that nearly killed him. However, during the last few years before John rejoined the band, Flea and sometimes Anthony urged John to go to rehab to get himself cleaned up. Nobody had faith that John would survive, except for his bandmates.

"I know I'm no Jim Morrison," Anthony explained. "And I don't pan to be. I only plan to spend the next forty years writing music with my best friends."

Flea began feeling a friendship moment coming on. "Group hug everybody!" he cried. Anthony, John and Chad gathered around Flea in a strong group hug. Nothing would stop these guys no matter what. They were considered to be on top of the music world right now, and nobody would stop them from being there, not even a scrubby wierd experimental band fronted by that jackass in Mike Patton. Though Faith no More achieved popularity before the Chili Peppers, Faith no More only had one hit and they sucked after a while.

However, Patton, who had just been handcuffed and placed in a cop car, was thinking to himself about how his future was gonna go. He certaintly wasn;t going to serve his one year sentence in prison and get butt fucked by a male rapist. No, he was going to break out and find Anthony Kiedis. The next time Patton saw Kiedis, he planned to make him suffer. He planned to nail him to the cross just like the Roman soldiers did to Jesus. He wanted Kiedis to pay for his sins. He wanted Kiedis to burn in hell.

"I'll kill you, Anthony." muttered Mike Patton to himself.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" growled one of the cops and threw a half eaten BLT at Patton's face. "Wierd fucking Italian." the cop claimed before turning back around.

Now Patton wanted to kill that cop, too.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Fourteen Years Later

Alot had changed during the last fourteen years. Anthony Kiedis and Mike Patton went their own ways. For some strange reason, Mike had yet to get revenge on Anthony, which was something he was still planning to do. Where was he right now? Well, Mike did escape prison and killed the police officer that threw the BLT at him. However, before he broke out, he was actually bailed out by Faith no More bassist, Billy Gould. Anyway, Mike broke up with Mr. Bungle in 2004, and spent the next few years with other music projects and dissed rock band, Wolfmother during a live concert. Of course that caused a fight with Patton and all three members of Wolfmother. Mike kicked their asses. In 2009, however Mike Patton and the rest of Faith no More got back together for some tours around all of Europe. The tour went on for the next four years, and they never released a new album.

As for Anthony Kiedis? Well, he's making a better living than Mike Patton. The Chili Peppers released two more albums before John Frusciante departed from the band for a second time to pursue a solo career. Josh Klinghoffer, who had worked with John on a number of things, replaced him for their latest album released in 2011 known as "I'm With You." Of course the Chili Peppers became more successful single after single and album after album. Kiedis even became a father! Currently he was touring with his bandmates to promote their latest album. Little did he know, he'd run into an annoying Italian that had tried to kill him fourteen years ago.

Anthony and his band had just currently finished a concert somehwere in Santa Fe, New Mexico. They were scheduled to fly to Maryland to continue their tour. All four bandmembers were currently sitting in seats on their private bus, talking about how fun the concert was and how they hope that "I'm With You" will not be a dissapointment album as it currently is right now, only making the album going gold, when they were expecting for it to go platinum like their last albums since signing with Warner Bros. records. Anthony on the other hand, was looking out the window, thinking to himself about that horrible night fourteen years ago. The night where he almost died when Mike Patton broke into his home.

Josh seemed to take notice of Anthony's depressed thinking face and sat next to him, with hopes to cheer him up. "Hey, Ant, what are ya up to?" he asked.

"Nothing right now, Josh." Anthony told him. He really didn't feel like talking to anyone right now. He knew that his life had been great during the last decade. He had gotten rid of his addictions for good, and he made sure that everybody was sober and non addictive to drugs. He didn't know about Josh, but Anthony knew that everybody, including himself, had been an addict to heroin. He had a problem with trying to get off it over the years despite Hillel's overdose, but it took years before he really kicked the stuff. Anyway, Anthony was afraid that Patton would strike him again, but he chose not to think so as hard as he could.

"You don't look too happy." Josh told him. "What's wrong?"

Anthony sighed, feeling that he had no choice but to tell his latest and youngest bandmate. He didn't know if Josh could handle secrets. He was much younger than John by nine years. Yes, Anthony dealt with kids before about stuff, but he feared that he would end up saying the worng things. Seeing on how he hadn't dealt with kids for the last few years. Josh wasn't a kid. He was thirty three, but to his other bandmates, he was kinda treated like a kid in some ways.

"I'm still worried for myself.." Anthony explained to Josh. "What if Mike Patton finds me and tries to kill me again? Then what'll happen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers?"

Josh chuckled and put a reassuring hand on Anthony's shoulder. "Forget about him." he said. "Mike's busy doing his own queer things. Besides, he's with Faith no More right now. He probably doesn't have the time to be dealing with the likes of us anyway."

Anthony formed a half smile. It was true. Mike Patton and Faith no More did have a tough schedule. He did wonder if they would ever release a new album. They haven't had one since their first breakup. Everybody expected an album from them since their reunion, but everybody was still left wondering. Anthony smiled, knowing that he had his bandmates, his best friends, his "brotherhood" to cheer him up and fill his spirits with hope and faith, especially Flea, seeing how he and Anthony have been friends for the last thirty five years.

"You're right, Josh." Anthony replied. "After all, we didn't have a problem with the rest of Faith no More. It was just him and Mr. Bungle, though I can't help thinking that it was kinda my fault for provoking them."

"Hey, you did what you thought was right." Josh said. "Besides, they were probably going to be one hit wonders anyway, just like Faith no More when "Epic" came out."

"I know that." Anthony chuckled happily. "And who the is Trevor Dunn to say that Flea sucks as a bassist? He's the best in the world for fuck's sake! He could be a new Jaco!"

"Jaco?" Josh asked, not knowing who that was.

"Jaco Pastorious was this talented jazz bassist before your time." Anthony answered. "He kinda reminds me of Flea. You can go look him up if you want."

Josh shook his head. "Nah, that's okay." he said. "It dosen't matter what anyone says about Flea anyway. He's a good bassist, and a good friend."

"Got that right!" Anthony laughed as he gave Josh a playful punch on the shoulder. The Chili Peppers were looking foward to something new in their lives. It didn't matter how long their careers would go, and it didn't matter if their next singles and albums wouldn't be that popular than their last singles and albums, and it didn't matter what people would think of them. What mattered was their friendship with the hopes of their bond lasting forever.

Now what is Mike Patton and Faith no More up to? Well I'll tell ya, seeing how they weren't having a very good time. Mike Patton was currently sitting on a bus with a bunch of Hispanics that he considered were truly annoying. He and his bandmates had just finished their European tours, but had to take the bus back to the airport. They were planning on going to Maryland to start their US tour, with the hopes of starting on a new album along the way. Mike Patton had began writing down some lyrics to some songs he hoped to come up with, except the lyrics he was writing was all about the hatred he was gaining from the Hispanics on the bus Faith no More was writing on.

Mike Patton was also thinking about what he would do if he ever ran into Anthony Kiedis again. He remebered fourteen years ago when their outrageous feud led to him breaking into Anthony's home and trying to kill him. He would've succeeded, had he not been distracted by Anthony's then wife's beauty. To Mike, Snthony was nothing more than some ignorant vegan who whines about people doing something just like him. Mike hated whiners more than anything in the world, and this also went for Hispanics as well.

A few moments later, gay keyboardist, Roddy Bottum walked over to Mike and sat down next to him. Roddy was also hating the bus ride as much as Anthony was, but Roddy, thanks to his homosexuality, was able to make some friends with the Hispanics unlike the other members of Faith no More.

Mike turned to look at Roddy with a grin. "Hey, Roddy ya fuck any of these dudes yet?" he asked in a joking manner. Ever since Roddy came out in 1993, the rest of Faith no More would always joke about his sexuality. At least they could accept the fact that he was gay, but what Mike and the others didn't know, was that Roddy had a secret crush on Mike for some strange reason, though he never showed it in front of the frontman.

Anyway, Roddy answered. "No, not yet." he laughed. "But soon!"

Mike laughed as he patted Roddy on the back. Roddy was the closest friend out of everybody in Faith no More. Roddy claimed that it was Mike who was the reason that he was inspired to come out and admit the truth about being gay, though Roddy did have a girlfriend years prior to that.

"Say, how's Gerald?" Mike asked Roddy. Gerald was Roddy's friend from high school. Gerald used to jam with Roddy to numerous heavy metal bands such as Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin. Gerald was currently an acountant working at a bank in Texas.

"He's been doing alright." Roddy said. "He's also been losing a few pounds so he's in good shape. Barely in good shape." Then Roddy decided to bring up something else. "Say, have you decided how you're going to get back at Kiedis?"

Mike's eyes widened when Roddy asked that. Nobody of Faith no More questioned his rivarly with Anthony Kiedis. But now Roddy, out of all the people, wondered what Mike was planning to do if he ever ran into Anthony.

"I-I don't know yet." Mike said a little nervously. "But if I had to guess I'd shove some pork down that fucking vegan's throat. Then I'll let you go to town on him."

Roddy backed away a little. "Thanks but no thanks." he told Patton. "I don't rape people."

"That that kind of town you fucking moron!" Mike scoffed. "I mean we both kick his ass for what he did to me! That way the Chili Peppers will crumble and go back to being pointless pathetic LA drunks wearing socks on their cocks like they were in the eightees!"

Roddy looked at Mike. He could tell that he hated Anthony more than anything in the world right now. Mike wanted to kill Anthony for that pointless bullshit fued they went through. A feud that involved Mr. Bungle being banned from numerous Chilli Pepper tours. The tours that were a ticket to mainstream attention. Mike wanted Mr. Bungle to have the same fame and achievement that Faith no More garnered.

"Till then," Patton finally spoke after calming down. "Let's just enjoy this pathetic bus ride until we get to the airport so we can sit for another five fucking hours."

Roddy always liked Patton's sarcastic remarks. Mike always had something to say to somebody, even if it was stupid yet funny at the same time. Mike has never been afraid to voice his opinions on anything. Especially after he dissed Wolfmother for their terrible music. Though Mike was kind of the reason that Faith no More broke up back in 1998, the rest of the band always admired him for what he did. Mike helped Faith no More more than anybody ever did, and Roddy thanked Mike for that.

Anyway, both band got on their planes and waited for five hours till they got to their designated areas. Both bands not well aware that they were going to the same town in the same state. They both landed in Baltimore, Maryland. The worse part was that both bands were not well aware that they would both be performing at the same show! The whole plan was for Faith no More to open for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I don't think that Anthony Kiedis and Mike Patton would allow that to happen. Well, let's just see how things turn out.

Anyway, the Chili Peppers got off their plane and got their stuff into their posession. Then they were taken into a limo where they were driven to one of the best hotels in Baltimore.

"Sweet!" cried Flea as he jumped out of the limo and grabbed his suitcases, followed by the rest of the band members who grabbed their stuff in a more calmer way than when Flea did. Then the Chili Peppers walked inside the hotel and felt the fresh cool air that roamed the nicely decorated and built lobby. There were a few Chili Peppers fans in the hotel, but they were held back by the security guards that surrounded the Chili Peppers. However, they did get a few autographs signed by all four members.

"I can't wait to crash here!" Flea cried as he ran to the checking station. Anthony couldn't help but laugh at his friend's excitement. After all, Flea was supposed to be the most energetic of the band. He even showed it when playing bass. How fast he was yet so talented and crisp, making the bass sound wonderful.

"Let's go, guys." Anthony instructed the other two members as they walked over to where Flea was.

"Yeah, we're room 109," Flea explained to the girl who was checking them in. The girl got a closer look at the band.

"Oh my god, you're the Red Hot Chili Peppers!" she cried with excitement.

All four members couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, our music's great, ain't it?" asked the drummer, Chad Smith.

"Oh isn't it?!" the girl cried. "I like all your songs! My top five would have to be "Californication", "Under the Bridge", "Give it Away", Dani California", and "By the Way."

"That's nice." all members said, hoping that they would soon be checked in and not harrased by some crazy fan.

"Wait a minute," she cried as she looked at her computer. "You guys have a room next to another band that checked in an hour ago!"

That got their attention in a flash. "Really?!" cried Flea. "Who is it? Is it Pearl Jam? They're a pretty good band. Or maybe the Stone Temple Pilots."

"Scott Weiland was terminated from STP this year." Anthony reminded Flea. "I don't think they'd be tourning right now."

The girl chuckled. "Oh it's not any of those guys." she said. "It's Faith no More."

The answer to their questions left a complete look of shock, fear and anger on Anthony's face. He and his bandmates were next to a room with his arch enemy and his other band, like being in the same building wasn't bad enough.

"What did you say?" Anthony asked her in a low and dangerous tone. Flea got in front of Anthony.

"Anthony, calm down." he said reassuringly. "Don't start worrying right now."

Anthony grabbed Flea by his shoulders roughly and pulled him closer to his face. "DON'T START WORRYING?!" growled Anthony. "WE'RE IN A ROOM NEXT TO THAT FUCKING LUNATIC, MIKE PATTON!"

As the rest of the band was trying to calm Anthony down, what they didn't notice was that Mike Patton and Roddy Bottum were walking into the lobby.

"So then I say to Madonna that she's got a sexy stomach and ya know what she does?" said Mike. "She kicks me in my cahonies."

Roddy chuckled. "Well you did have it coming." Roddy said. "I'm always gonna tell a man how solid he is if it kills him."

Suddenly, Mike stopped walking when he spotted a man from his past. The man that fourteen years ago, banned him and his band from a number of tours, and survived a failed attempt to be murdered by him. Mike Patton growled at the sight of not just the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but the sight of their frontman in Anthony Kiedis.

Mike Patton felt his anger rising up. He felt his blood boil when he saw Anthony. He had the urge to just walk over there and pull out his .45 caliber and waste him. But instead, he decided to be calm and walk over there and be a gentlemen.

Anthony looked and saw Mike approaching him. Anthony on instinct, held up his fists if Mike tried to do anything.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, YOU PSYCHO!" Anthony cried. His voice loud and serious as it ever had been fourteen years ago. Patton just continued walking to him and smiled.

"Calm down, Kiedis." Mike said. "I ain't here to kill ya. I just want you to know that I am a gentlemen."

Anthony put down his guard and looked to his other bandmates to help him understand what Patton was trying to get at.

"I don't know, man." they said one by one. Roddy walked over to where everybody else was and began staring at the three other Chili Peppers, particuarly Josh.

Josh felt uncomfortable at the way Roddy was staring at him. What made hin even more uncomfortable was when Roddy said this, "Would you like to take a look inside Roddy's Bottum?" this of course, left Mike Patton busting up laughing while the Chili Peppers had disgusted looks on their faces.

Flea then jumped in and delivered a flying karate kick to Roddy's face, knocking him ten feet into a lobby chair. Flea landed on his feet and growled at the gay keyboardist.

"Stay the fuck away from us you fucking gay homo faggot!" Flea shouted. Mike busted up laughing once again.

"Shut up, Mike." Anthony growled at the Faith no More frontman. "None of this is funny, you queer." then Anthony turned to his other bandmates. "Guys, go to the room, I'll be in in a few seconds."

"Okay, but be careful." Flea said, and he and the others reluctantly left to depart to their new room. Anthony looked back at Mike with a cold glare. "Go ahead." Anthony said. "Shoot me. Shoot me with your .45."

Mike couldn't help but giggle. "Why are you so fucking persistant and paronoid?" Mike laughed. "So I was psychotic back in in 1999, but that dosen't mean I wanna kill you now."

"Oh sure!" Anthony growled in a stubborn manner. "just like you didn't want to fuck my ex wife!" Anthony stormed over to Mike and gave him a hard shove, knocking him on his ass. Mike got up and his happy face turned into a face that said he was pissed off.

"Alright, you girly fuck." Mike growled. "You want history to repeat itself? Well I say 'FUCK YOU, TOO!'" Mike finished his sentence with a closed fist to Anthony's jaw. Anthony staggered a bit but then came back with a knee to Patton's gut, followed by a haymaker to the back of his head, causing mike to fall flat on the floor. Anthony then proceeded to pummel Mike Patton's backside in an angry way. Mike was also wailing on Anthony was well. Both men's punches collided with each other.

Security came in a matter of seconds to break up their brawl, but both Kiedis and Patton fought through to get back to their epic fight. However, their fight was cut short when they heard a dark raspy growl from the ceiling.

"What the fuck?" Patton managed to blurt out. Before anyone could say anything else, a giant green scaly fist broke through the ceiling, causing security to run like pussys.

Anthony and Mike stayed behind to get a good look at the ginat creature. The giant had a long green snout, firey breath coming from it's mouth. It's nose filled with smoke. It had red eyes and black horns.

"Is that a fucking dragon?!" Mike cried in excitment yet fear. Anthony refused to answer his question. his thoughts only on the creature that was attacking the hotel.

"I-I think there's an exit on the other side!" Anthony cried as he and Mike began making a run for it, only to be blocked by another dragon fist, except this fist was yellow.

"Oh come on!" Mike groaned. If that wasn't bad enough, then why not a red giant dragon in the back of you, followed by a blue giant dragon in the front. Four ginat dragons were surrounding the two frontmen. Everybody had escaped the hotel, except for these two. The dragons were growling with hunger as they slowly walked towards Anthony Kiedis and Mike Patton.

"We're fucked." Mike Patton commented.

"I hope they eat you." Anthony replied.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: It's Monkey Boy! And Man is He a Dick!

"Why the hell are there dragons surrounding me?!" Patton cried in his dramatic voice as he got on one knee and placed his head in his left arm and began crying in an amusing way, which pissed off Anthony Kiedis.

"Patton, shut up before I kill you." Anthony growled, not wanting to deal with comic relief shit while trying to get away from four blood thristy dragons.

Suddenly, all four dragons inhaled air and in a matter of seconds, opened their mouths and out came fire spitting flames coming at 200 miles an hour coming for both Anthony Kiedis and Mike Patton.

"FUCK!" they both shouted as they ran in opposite directions, barely avoiding the flames. As Anthony ran into another corner, seeing how both exits were locked by the dragons, Anthony looked at the floor and saw a 2x4, with hopes that he would be able to combat with it against one of the dragons.

Anthony picked it up and smiled. "Maybe I can pretend I'm one of those heroic knights who slay those motherfuckin dragons!" he shouted before turning to face the yellow dragon. Anthony shrieked a little as he saw how scary it looked. The dragon was breathing in a deep raspy growl. It's nose had steam coming in and out, and it looked like it was getting ready to torch Anthony. Before it could act though, Anthony launched the 2x4 at the dragon's head, managing to throw it in his left eye. The 2x4 impaled the yellow dragon in the eye was blood and other supplements were seaking out. It let out a huge growl before Mike Patton came out of nowhere and shot it at least forty seven times in the chest with his gun. The dragon then fell backwards, destroying most of the place due to it's size. The yellow dragon was dead.

Mike Patton shreeched with victory as he leaped in the air and did a fist pump. As he landed lightly on the ground, he looked at Anthony and grinned.

"If it weren't for me that ugly ass dragon would've burned you alive and then ate the fucking shit inside you." he boasted. "You need to thank Mike Patton."

Anthony scoffed. "Okay, how about you thank me after you kill the other three dragons!" he yelled pointing to his left. They turned around and saw that the red dragon, the blue dragon, and the green dragon still remained. Mike Patton grinned as he held up his gun and pulled the trigger, only to hear a click.

"What the fuck?!" he growled as he pulled it again in a furious action, only to hear the same click again.

"It's out of amo, you fuck nut!" Anthony yelled at Mike.

"SHIT!" Mike growled as he pegged the gun at the green dragon, who got hit in the jaw bone and growled as it felt the impact. The three remaining dragons towered over Anthony and Mike, scaring them intensly.

"We're gonna fuckind die tonight!" Mike cried as he hugged Anthony and buried his head in his chest to cry.

"Get off me, queer!" Anthony shouted as he pushed Mike off of him in an aggressive manner. The green dragon then picked up Anthony who began screaming for someone to help him. The green dragon looked at Anthony, who began smiling with fear on his face. The dragon purred lightly before opening his mouth to reveal the inside of his mouth as he slowly began moving the RHCP frontman closer to the inside.

"HELP!" Anthony cried as the dragon was bringing Anthony into his mouth. However, the dragon stopped moving and groaned in pain. Anthony was confused on what was going on and tried to find what was wrong with it. However, when the dragon and Anthony looked down, it saw that it had a hole burned in it's stomach.

"Holy shit!" Anthony cried as the dragon closed it's eyes and fell foward with Anthony still in his grasp. Anthony would've been dead, if a certain thing didn't save him in time and set him on the ground. Anthony looked to see who the figure was. It was actually a kid but this kid had long chunky hair, and he was wearing some kind of outfit from China, which made sense cause he looked Asian, and he was carrying some black pole.

"Um...thanks?" Anthony said as he looked at the kid.

"Just shut up and stand in the corner with your lover." the kid ordered as he pointed to where Mike Patton was.

Anthony growled but still obeyed, walking into the corner where Mike was giggling like a sissy. "That kid is great, ain't he?!" he asked excitingly. "He punched a holw through that fucking dragon's gut like awesome!"

"Whatever." Anthony scoffed as he looked ahead and saw that the kid was facing the two remaining dragons. The red dragon swiped at the kid with its claws, but the kid leaped in the air and brought his staff down on the dragon's skull so hard that Anthony and Mike heard a cracking explosion in its head. Then as the red dragon fell dead, the monkey kid ran at the blue dragon and impaled the staff that grew a few sizes immediately when the kid impaled the dragon through the stomach. The kid then jumped off his staff and said something like, "Fuck you in hell," before holding up his hand and delivered some energy light from his hand, engulfing the blue dragon's head as a bright light appeared, causiing Anthony and Mike to sheild their eyes. When the light died out, Anthony and Mike looked up and saw that the kid's hand was smoking, and the blue dragon's head was gone. The headless blue dragon fell backwards after the monkey kid blew on it. The kid then walked over to Anthony and Mike, who were of course, shocked.

"Th...th...thank you, kid." Anthony said sutterly.

"You were fucking awesome!" Mike cired as he ruffled the kid's hair, who kept a scowl on his face. "You showed those fucking dragons whose boss! And y-,"

"Shut up before I kill you." the kid scoffed, not only shocking Mike, but also Anthony.

"Kid, who the-," Anthony was about to say.

"The name's Enki." the monkey did said in a rude tone. "Any of you stupid fucks call me 'kid' again, I'll shove this staff up both your asses." and he walked away, leaving both frontmen shocked about how serious and meniacal the kid sounded.

Enki stopped when he reached the door and turned around to face both frontmen. "Are you assholes coming or not?!" he growled.

Anthony and Mike were confused. First the kid saved them from dragons, then he mouthed off to them and now he wants them to come with him somewhere?

"Um..." Mike tried to say something.

"Let's just go." Anthony suggested. "Just to make sure he won't kill us if we say 'no.'" Anthony then walked over Enki, followed by Mike who scoffed at Anthony's decision and decided to follow them as well.

Enki led them through some kind of desert in Baltimore. Both frontmen were even surprised that there was even a desert in Baltimore. They felt like asking question, but decided not to piss off the monkey kid. However, Anthony did have a question to ask.

"Um..where are we even-,"

"Shut the fuck up!" Enki scoffed as they kept walking, causing Mike to laugh at how bad Anthony got torched.

Enki responded to Mike's laughter by jabbing him straight in the gut with his staff, causing Patton to groan in pain and fall to the ground, gripping his stomach.

"Get up, you fucking pussy." Enki scoffed. Anthony was in disbelief onto what he was seeing. First four dragons show up and try to kill them, then a monkey kid named Enki comes in to save them, only to supposedly kidnap them in return and be a dick to them.

Mike managed to get up still groaning and holding his stomach. "What the fuck, man?" Patton asked, crying a little.

"Stop being a fucking baby and let's continue." Enki scoffed again and continued walking. Anthony and Mike had no choice but to follow behind this dick till he would decide where they were headed. They eventually made it to a big hole that was actually a brick well. Anthony and Mike had no idea what the hell was going on and they decided to ask questions now.

"What the hell is going on?" Anthony asked Enki.

"Yeah, kid." Patton growled. "You kidnap us and you lead us to a fucking well?!"

Wnki growled as he whacked Patton in the back of the head with his staff, causing Patton to grip the back of his skull and cry like a bitch.

"Get in the well, bitch!" Enki shouted as he grabbed Patton by his shirt and threw him into the well with one hand. He then looked to his left and saw that Anthony was already two miles away from him. Enki growled as he extended his staff.

"Nobody outruns this monkey demon." Enki growled as he leaped into the sky.

Anthony was running like crazy He decided to make a brake for it when Enki was busy throwing Mike in the well. He did not plan for this to happen to him. His pans for right now were to find a way to get back to his friends and continue with their tour. However, his running stopped when he was dropped to his stomach by a monkey kid that came from the sky and landed on him.

Anthony groaned in pain as Enki jumped off him and yanked Anthony by his hair and dragged him all the way to the well, with Anthony screaming in pain all the while.

"SHUT UP, BITCH!" was what Enki would usually say. When they got to the well, Enki picked Anthony up off the ground by his hair and threw him into the well before jumping into it himself. Where they were going, Anthony and Mike had no clue.


End file.
